Category: Parent Talk
I do not associate with my biological family. Instead, I have a mom who has taken care of me since I was eleven. This family whom I am semi-apart-of, as most of them do not treat me as family, are very critical and sometimes verging on mean. Everytime my husband and i go there to family gatherings with our son, we hear whispered convesations about how did he get that scratch on him? Why is his face red like that? We also get told to be grateful and say thank-you by these family members other than his grandma. Especially when his grandma, my mom, does things for him. I am terrified that one of these days, something will happen that's no fault of ours, and DCFS, or more widely known as CPS, will come banging down our door for our son. What should I do? Should I ignore it? Is there anything I can say? My mom refuses to believe that the family does this, and this really messes things up. Help!
Hey girl, you keep on doing what you're doing. Little ones are going to get scratches on themselves; my little girl does it to herself all the time. My own dad asks me why she has her face all scratched up, and shoot, I just tell him she did it herself. If someone was really worried, they'd have called CPS by now.
Can you talk to the offending family members? I mean, whenever you hear them say something like "how did he get that scratch?" you can answer them as if they had asked you the question. They are being rude by whispering it, after all. I can't think of anything else, other than firmly answering their stupid questions. Keep being his mommy and try not to let them get to you.
I know how hard that is. I had some family visiting from Mexico, and my aunt was really pissing me off with some of the comments she made.
"Isn't she sad being locked up all the time?" This is only after a few days of her being here, but I jjust said no, that she has toys she likes playing with. To which my aunt asked if I play with her. Yes. What kind of question is that? Grrr. Just because she observed me in the room a lot with my daughter, doesn't mean I keep her locked up. She goes to the park on the weekends, she likes her Grandma and Grandpa time, and sometimes I take walks with her around the neighborhood.
Oh, and there was one time we were eating, Gabbie had beans rolled in a tortilla, like two or three of them actually, and afterwards, my aunt was like, "Your baby's dirty. Don't you want to change her?" Of course not. Because how am I supposed to know she's dirty? She just ate and got food all over her, for goodness' sake. Grrr. I made sure to tell her yes, I'll do it, because I knew that she'd try to change her herself. I hate it when people assume that you can't do anything and their way is so much better.
Anyway, not quite the same situation you're in, but I couldn't help feeling criticized. Especially when she started going on about how we should sit outside for a few minutes every day because the sun would be good for both of us. Good grief! My daughter is going to grow up ruined!
Hang in there. Those family members of yours don't know what they're talking about. And if CPS does ever go to investigate, you have nothing to worry about. Don't act like there's something to hide, 'cause that'll just fuel them on.
Hugs.
-- Allie
Thanks, Allie. The advice is very much appreciated. I'm glad you don't have to deal with her very often. I have to see my critical folks a lot, unfortunately, not to be a whiner. I just wish i wasn't so paranoid about the whole CPS thing. I guess it has something to do with having CPS investigate us a lot when I was little. And although they had good reason as my mom was a drug addict and wasn't taking care of us, it still freaks me out. Especially since a family member once said that anyone whose been abused (like me), is damaged goods and shouldn't be parents' 'cuz they'll just abuse their kids. The majority of 'em are all idiots, and I won't hesitate to move if I ever get the chance. Again, thanks for the advice, and if anyone else has any advice, please respond.
Er ... move far, far away when you get the chance ... I hope to move away from my mom one day.
I think Allie is right; if you hear them whispering questions like that, come right out and answer them. See what they have to say then. Kids are bound to get scratches. They're kids, and they do that sort of thing.
I've heard the saying of how people who have been abused tend to repeat the cycle. But I think more of a true statement would be that people who have been abused know how bad it hurts, and so they won't repeat the same process.
I have to agree with the one before me.
Stand strong and don't let them get you down. My family hates my parenting beliefs, as they are extremely unconventional, such as consensual living, where hcildren have the same rights as parents, natural consequences, and extended breast feeding to name a few. Don't feel bad.
If I were you, I'd not come around at all, not even for gatherings.
I concur with post 5, not as a theory but from experience. And people are often very critical, especially those least likely to be successful themselves. I also suggest you move far away; if they want to see the grand kids, they'll miss it for awhile. In short, treat your critics like children; they're acting like it. They do it because it's 'fun' and perhaps for them that means it makes them feel superior. You simply have to stop them, like stopping a dog scratching at the door, or your child engaged in any self-destructive habit. Just take control of the situation, especially your transportation to and from there, and ask positively nothing from them, no help, no anything. Denying them access to that may make them climb the walls like any other addict but eventually they'll get over it. Just stay far away while they get the shakes, if ya know what I mean ...
I agree with the post above this one. Great advice! Also, a great analogy. I hope we have all helped.
my mother in law is called marge in charge for a reason. She has developted criticism to a fine art and her barbed comments are sharpened to a fine and cutting point. i agree with everything said, and would just like to add a couple things. Remember that people like that are toxic. They are only happy after they have instigated a conflict. Bearing this in mind, when in doubt repeat after me"thank you for sharing that." It means nothing is not offensive and you are neither agreeing or disagreeing. You are just telling them that you appreciate their passing on their bogus, stupid, and incomparably meaningless information. Since it is such an innocuous statement it doesn't let them have their warmies by fighting with you.
remember that our families are like our baggage. We can break our backs and hurt are arms by hauling them and their issues around with us, or we can drop them in the figurative storage room lock the door and lose the key.
turricane, wonderful analogy.
thanks but i stole it from dr. phil.
did they have kids? the answer is obviously yes!
throw the question back to them: Did your kids ever get scratches?
then leave it at that and don't spend much time with them.
sighted people r absolutley crazy!! my son granny on his daddys side I swear she doesnt know a thing bout blind people which is fine with me cauz, reality is im the first blind person a person has ever met.